11:58 a.m. - 2004-06-22
now is never now, really.
Oh, my comfort, oh my love, oh my night shade, I have returned to you. Do you miss me? I miss you. I missed knowing I could exist and write as I please without facing your wrath. I miss having my pronouns surround me and sinking into my writing knowing that no one else cares enough to read it and sees no reason to leave me a note. Oh, do I miss it.
I'm worried. I'm antsy. I can't stop this all from surrounding me. I'm happy. I had fun. I hadn't seen you in a while. You sure made me smile. You hurt me. I hide from you. You scare me. I'm shaking. I won't show it. I need no one. You call this a shame, I call is a haven. I contradict myself and give myself more privledges then I allow you. I critize and the things that bother me the most about you are the things I possess. I'm really tired. I'm so tired of being awake. I haven't slept in two years. That's a lie. I get two-three hours a night. Insomniacs are interesting people once you get to know us. The point is that all these things, these fights, these friends, this drama, it's all a waste of time. It's worthless. If something happened to these people, you'd feel bad and you'd want them to get better. You're only complaining because you know they'll listen. I'm only complaining because I know you'll listen. You are hypocritical. Moreso then others. It makes me mad. You also make me feel small and unimportant, which I am, but I don't need your reminder. You want attention. I've run out of attention to give. You are wonderful and make people happy, but you don't realize when you make people sad. You don't care, I think that's marvelous. You like to listen, I like to listen too, but our silence isn't comfoting, I'm sorry I talk so much near you. You never want to talk to me. You talk too much. You judge people too easily and too harshly. You have fun. You critize people for things that you do too. You have been around the longest. You will be around the longest. We have fun. You don't sleep either. You give me hope. You take my hope away. You give me a reason to live. You make me want to die. You contradict my contradiction. You are blind. You don't want to see. You are a best friend to someone, but not to me, because you don't want to be. You think we'll be around forever. I think I'm struggling to hold on to now. You think I should be truthful, you never knew that everytime I tried you'd shoot me down. You think I should do what makes me happy, you never cared that making myself happy made others sad, which made me more sad. You told me I was a bad friend, did you ever know how much I tried? You told me to find time. I can't even tell time anymore. You talk about me behind my back. You call me paranoid. You make me smile. You make me cry. You make me tired. I'm so tired. so so tired. I'm so tired of being awake. Two years. Two years of two hours of sleep a night. How many do you get? 8? lucky. fired, tired, worried, antsy, forfeit, love you, help me, want you, hold my hand, talk to me.I can smell the rain. The rain. It means forever. The rain is recycled. Your tears are recycled. Let's be happy. You're sick of poems about tears and eyes and rain and I'm sick of you being sick of me. I'm going to dance in the rain. I'm going to smile. I'm going to stop worrying about these things that I can't control and I'm going to stop caring if you care about me. I'm going to go away. I'm going to tell you that you can't spell friend without end and if this keeps going, you might be the end of me. We used to get lost. Read each others minds. I used to forget where I left off and you began. So much for best friends. So much for family. So much for forever. So much for smiling through the "rain". I'll smile. Not to comfort you, but because I don't think you deserve it and I don't think you care and I don't wnat to bother you. Do I have friends? Well, yes. I do have friends. I'm not asking for pity. I told you. I only complain because I know you'll listen and if I didn't have friends I wouldn't complain because there wouldn't be anyone to care. I know I have friends. I'm not asking for pity. I'm stating that I'm sad and I'm tired. So tired. I'm teh kind of tired that you get when you're tired of living, but then I get up and I have fun, because I know. I know I have to live now, because I'll be around for a while and I'll be disappointed if I didn't make the most of everything. I can sleep when i'm dead. I can eat when I'm dead. I can breathe faster, heavier, louder when I'm dead. I can't live when I'm dead. I'll live now. Right here. I'll do something. I want to do something. I want conversation. I want conversation. I want a friend. I want a friend. Keep me company. I'll live forever on this death bed, just...comfort me. lullabies, alabies, sweet goodbyes, dark eyes, knotted ties, deep sighs and then you ask my why? Why? why not?
This was a word from me written in a note to you because you left without a goodbye and I realized, I'd never said hello.
