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8:44 p.m. - 2004-06-22
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So, I guess it�s a test or an experiment of some sort to see how much you�ve changed and how you�ve matured and how you used to be, or maybe it�s more of a course of events that happen to go in an unintentional order that by chance makes you stop and think. In any case it is there for about ten months and then it�s gone and then somehow it�s back, but it�s nowhere near what it used to be. It used to be two plus two and tying your shoe and alphabet songs with alphabet soup. It was jump roping and black top recess. It was golden rule days and �it�s just a phase�. It was quiet and no one was there, because life only existed after three p.m. Now, what�s this? A year in review and suddenly the books were stacked higher and the friendships were more complicated and I found myself dizzy from the rush. A year in a lifetime is like a minute in an hour, it�s just not worth it. It�s not worth the fuss because once it�s gone it�s nothing, but while it�s there, it seems like the longest period of your life.

Where to start? Let�s stick to tradition for once and start where it all starts. Let�s go back to September. School started I think the first Wednesday in September and it didn�t seem so bad. The day seemed to go by fast due to the nice ordering of my schedule and it seemed like the year wouldn�t be as torturous as expected. It�s boring talking about my schedule however, when I still have a series of car crashes, mental hospitals, breakdowns, fights, friendships, and of course the other more exciting parts of school to discuss, if any even exist. Well, I guess I already started on school so I will continue. School seemed, lets see, what�s the word? I guess it seemed more immature? Pointless? Pointless will work. (Side note- I hate being called crabby. Even if I am in fact crabby, it solves nothing by calling me that. It probably makes the situation worse.) Now, where was I? Right. School was pointless. I seemed to notice more separation of people based on stupid stuff. Some people quit the labels and got along great with everybody and I thought that was splendid, but other people. They just..let it all go to waste. They won�t talk to certain people or like them or anything. I noticed this particularly among the 8th and 7th graders in my studies. I would sit on the side of the room at the front and look back at everyone and they are all segregated. It just seems like no matter how much people of the past have fought segregation, we still do it, even if it is as trivial as high school labels. Another thing is the fights. We wait outside every morning and then all of a sudden you see the stampede and the echo�s of �Fight! Fight! Fight!� and you know that once again some charming young chaps have discovered that when you curl your fingers in together tightly and apply the right amount of force, you can indeed make blood erupt from the other person�s nose! Oh my! That was us two years ago. How small do you feel right now?

What next? Oh, lets take a hop skip and a jump over to my siblings. Those twits do provide comedy in my tragic tale. Let�s see. My older sister got her license. She also crashed two cars since she has had it. The first time they had to lie to the police and say I was in the car...because she wasn�t allowed to drive friends yet. The second time I knew it was going to happen. I know that sounds weird, but sometimes I just know stuff. She had crashed into a pole. She sure gives my mom a run for her money. She almost didn�t graduate. In fact, I give more of the credit to my mom. My mom also passed fifth grade this year. I am very proud of her. Anyways, my sister barely graduated. It has been a struggle all year with her. I have scars on my arms and stuff from trying to wake her up earlier in the year when she wasn�t on her Meds. .So, she certainly made the year more complicated. She also resulted in my having two mental breakdowns where I started to cry and did not stop for hours and ended up in my room for a day or so at a time. Oh., and then there is my younger sister. She has developed a highly sensitive personality due to our living circumstances. We�ve fought a lot all year and she has decided to follow in my sister�s footsteps by not doing any school work. I really am proud that my mom passed twelfth and fifth grade in one year. Bravo, Mommy! So, those siblings of mine have made life interesting. Especially when heather went make into a mental hospital and they were fighting for her to be in there for a while until problems were sorted out. That sure made home-life interesting. It was very quiet. No one dares to say what we all know. But it didn�t happen and she just went for about two weeks. I don�t think it did a thing, but it�s never a good thing when she goes back anyways. I�ve been seeing hospitals since fifth grade with her. I think it�s a comfort for her when she goes back.

Lets see, what else happened? How about friendships? Friendships were interesting this year. I guess everyone got kind of distant. I don�t know why, but something changed. High school broke us down, maybe. Who knows. I kind of gave up towards the middle. There was too much going on. My uncle�s house blew up in an explosion, my mom started to forget to pick me up and stopped caring. My aunt sent my uncle divorce papers, my sister wouldn�t get up for school, my younger sister wouldn�t do her work, my dad started throwing important stuff out, because no one had time to clean and I was tricked into seeing a therapist twice. I was worn out. I gave up. I never mind listening, but sometimes I had too much going on to be able to deal with someone else�s problems. I guess it doesn�t seem like much in writing, but I haven�t told you half of it...and it seems a lot more intense in person. I guess I wasn�t a very good friend. That�s what you told me anyways, but I tried. I really did. This year was just too much for us I guess. It wasn�t just us either. We�re all a bit more strained and pulled apart now. I guess it was meant to be that way.

I missed a lot of the more important stuff that happened this school year, but I don�t really feel like recalling it because I�m in a bad mood and I have to study for my history final. I guess I don�t feel like digging up the past because I live in it more then I should and I just ate English muffins with peanut butter and I really like them. I guess I don�t want to relive it because I want to paint my nails and because my brother stopped by Sunday night and gave me his whole collection oh Cds to listen and burn and I really like them because I love Ska and I love how we both can get really into music. I also probably won�t write about anything else from the past because I hung out with Sara and that was fun because we usually don�t get to, but I don�t like that she thinks I�m a bad friend. I also probably won�t relive anymore of this year, because my life runs in circles and I�ll probably relive it in the future and I figure it�s gone now anyways. This year, it�s destroyed so much. So many friendships and relationships and people and flowers and lives and loves and music have been replaced or gotten rid of I guess that was the year, but I had so much to smile about. I told you what I wanted to, one side of the story. If I told you the hopeful side then I�d get you�re hopes up and I don�t think that�s right to do, but it doesn�t matter because it�s summer now and I have other things to do. I guess I�m done because the future is here and it was here yesterday and the day before, but it�s here again now and I think I have to much to look forward to not to meet it. I guess I have too much to look forward to not to smile and sigh and dive in; the pool, the future, a new friendship, a something; a something extraordinary.

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