6:02 p.m. - 2004-05-03
at nightfall you show me the world and everyone in it and tell me I am but a grain of sand in the concerns of the heavens and below, at least now I know my place...
Dear other side of brightness,
I'm writing to the otherside of brightness right now and obviously no one will read this because i like to think of it as a type of world that is the opposite of here:similar to the other side of the mirror or maybe on the otherside of the sky, which although impossible is nice to dream about. You see, it is my assumption that in this otherside that I go to in my darkest of moments and out of despair is where all the pretty and simple things in life lie. It is a place that lacks human cruelty and desperation and as a result of this, also human compassion and sympathy, as you cannot have compassion without having suffering. In this world, everything is as it seems and is never black or white, everything is gray - metaphorically speaking. This is where i run to when my thoughts turn dark and my mood thinks it only right to follow suit. This is were my memories stay hidden and my dreams seek refuge. Since this is where I go when I need to talk to someone and yet everyone is too busy complaining to listen. This is where I hide everyone elses problems along with mine, because as soon as they're there, they turn into nothing. They become neither good nor bad and just exist. That's the most important part of my world, everyone is who they are and they exist for the sake of existing. Good conversation is plenty and sunsets and moonlight combine into a wonder that would leave even angels breathless. This is where I am right now. I'm in my own little corner of sanity, or what's left of it in the world. Suddenly my name has been coming up everywhere, whether it be good or bad or because i've helped or worsened a situation only matters in the real world and not in the otherside of brightness. It's too bad that I can't seek refuge there at all times, especially times like these when everyone seems to need so much help and attention and I can't save them all. I get so upset because they are and I do everything in my power to make the situation better, but I'm beginning to think I'm not good for anything. I can't help anyone and I only make situations worse. At least I'll always have my world on the otherside . Perhaps I can stay there for a while and become so apathetic that no one will want my help anyways. Perhaps.
" In a field
I am absence
of field.
This is
always the case.
Wherever I am
I am what is missing.
When I walk
I part the air
and always
the air moves in
to fill the spaces
where my body's been.
We all have reasons
for moving.
I move
to keep things whole."
- Mark Strand
I wish i could keep everything whole. What are your reasons for moving? I'm beginning to think i move because if I stayed still then the picture would become clear and I'd see what I don't wnat to and people would see the real me and I'd get hurt. I'm not who they think i am.
Sincerely,
The impossible to explain
