9:38 p.m. - 2004-04-01
the sun doesn't go down .........It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round
Dear you,
You've listened to it all and you know me so well. Or at least you pretend you do, but you don't. Don't worry, darling, it's not your fault.I didn't want you to know me. You don't know anything about me because I didn't want you to and didn't tell you anything. That's the way it is.
Someone I care about could die tomorrow, or for that matter I could die tomorrow. Those are the facts. We never know when our time is up. This world? It's nothing but a daydream and when I die my entire lifetime will only equal a blink in the legacy of time. I'm nothing and yet I can affect so many. It's the chaos theory put to life. One person dies which makes a few people sad and more people sad that those people are sad and soon you have a new wave of depression and suicide....you just need the right person to die to begin with. I'm not that person...in fact at the moment I bet I could count the people who would show up at my funeral on my hands and toes. No, that's a lie. Funerals are big; a big act. If I died, everyone would go because it would be a day off from school and people would think that by going it would clear their guilty consciences. Thats the way the mind works. Do a lifetime of bad and erase it with one good act. I don't know how that can be accepted by moral standards in even the most mediocre systems of intelligence, but that's how it works. And you? You're no big time offender of this, but you do it too. Everyone does. Then again, maybe this is normal and my own mind is causing the sadness that i feel as a result. I'm not completely sure, but I do know that for whatever reason people make me sad..not even just sad, but angry. As in the type of angry where I want to hurt the nearest person to me - which is usually myself, because no one can get closer to me then me- and then just scream at the top of my lungs "FUCK THE HUMAN RACE". I would love that. I would love that so much, because it would be worth it. Nothing is worth it, but that would be. This world, this daydream, that we live in....we do nothing in it. We worry about grades and boys and fucking teenage angst. Well, bite me, because it's all fucking bullshit. YOU COULD FUCKING DIE TOMORROW. What do you have to say about that? Does it make a fucking difference to you at all? You live your life by sterotypes....I hate "preps" or "punks" or "jocks". What the fucking hell..just get on with it and say you hate people. Because that's what it is. You can't catigorize people by those standards...you'll never be able to make guidelines in each groups that everyone can be seperated into. In fact you'll probably find that the groups are all webbed together and you won't even be able to tell which is which group because honestly that's what we're living. A big fucking web of lies. That's our world today. That's your so called humanity. Oh and posers. Is that the other sterotype that you hate. Let me ask you my friend, do you hate "posers"? What the fuck is a poser? You can't even attempt a definition because then you'd have to either risk sounding hypocritical or offending your friends. There is no one in the world that hasn't already done what you're doing. I agree that obviously it was done differently and no one is completely the same, but everyone is copying everyone at some point or another....so there are no fucking posers unless you're refering to the fucking world.
I also hate it when people pretend they care but they don't really...or maybe they actually do and it doesn't seem like it. Beacuse right now I feel pretty fucking lonely and you can't help because you are part of it. yes, you. People say they care, but everyone is wrapped up in their own problems and I get it that that's the way it is, but if it is then stop telling me I can count on you and you'll never let me down, because you are right now. you are letting me down. You're there and I'm here and we talk about the past and your problems and I lead on to a few of my problems, but you know i'll never tell you so you drop it, but why? and I get it that we only get to talk on weekends because some of you live far away or I get that you don't like the phone or you don't have a computer, but I could be dead..I'm obviously not, but someday i will be and you might not know and I don't care. Will you even wonder. Someday after we've stopped talking will you sit around and ask yourself " hmmm....I wonder if that Danielle girl is still alive..." I doubt it, but I will for you. even when you're late to school or I don't talk to you for a day i wonder if you're alright. Why? Who knows? That's the way i am and here I am alive and in the flesh and I don't mean that much to you,so, add a few years, a few more problems, you getting married and having kids, the day to day things life sends to you, and I'm just another name in a yearbook, or a photograph, or maybe if I'm lucky, a memory. I just want you to know that you hurt me and make me lonely and make me want to hurt myself, but despite all this I'll always listen to and you'll always have a place in my heart because even if you break me apart you still know that at 3 am when you call me crying I'll sneak out of my house and go and hug you because that's the best cure for stopping tears..or maybe letting them flow. That's how it is, because the human race sucks and it hurts and I hate everyone, but I won't give up on it and I most certainly won't give up on you. So here's another memeory and it's for you, maybe this time you'll tread a bit more lightly when stomping on my heart.
Sincerely,
that girl who wanted your autograph
