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4:43 p.m. - 2004-03-25
Do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Dear friend,

Somtimes your heart aches for the past and you want to go back and make it all better, or you want to go back and just idle there; where you know it's safe and you know what happens.The present is scary because you never know what is going to happen next. You know what is going to happen in the past because it's gone and you know what is going to happen in the future because history always repeats itself, but what you don't know is what is happening right now; in the present. I'm smiling right now because I know that's what you want. You've even told me before that all you live for is the hope that someday you might find perfection. So I smile because my dreams are already shattered and I don't see any reason why yours should be too and I pretend everything is perfect because telling the truth wouldn't make anything better. I'm sad on the inside and lie on the outside, but don't take offense. I'm lying for you. I'm lying so you can live in your dreams and be happy; I'm lying so you won't have to hurt, even if that is impossible.

This time is different. I know what has happened in the past, future, and the present. I know what is happening right now. It's happened before. We all go silent and wipe away our tears in the darkness.We send out our non-existant support lines with "you can talk to me" and "I'm always here for you", but really we're all scared; scared of what happened before and probably will happen again. I'm not lost in memories or anything like that. She's really back there; the explosive one I mean. She's back there, even if it is only partially; meaning that she goes for half a day. She's still there and even worse is that it was requested that she go there for a while for fulltime. I remember what it was like last time and each time I think back to it my heart stops and my eyes get that feeling that they get when I'm trying not to cry, but I won't cry; that would mean it's happening again and I don't know if I can take that. I saw what they all went through the first few times....every year...it's been every year. I should have expected it, but I just didn't want to. I'm not sure if I can handle it again. I feel like my life is on rewind, everytime I get someplace someone rewinds it to a bad time and I lose everthing that I've earned. Well, is that it? Is my life a movie? If it is I have a tough audience and cruel critics. No, forget that, i don't really. My life isn't as bad as I think or that i make it sound. Sometimes it's just hard to remember that, but I should because I don't want pity and I don't deserve sympathy. Everyone's given what they can handle and I know I can handle it because I've fought it 2 times before, but just because you get over the mountain doesn't mean it isn't tough to do it again.

I've been having this bad feeling for weeks and I've told people about it...I felt like something bad was going to happen. I don't know if this is it, but if it is....If this is that bad feeling I've been getting and my life is really on more then rewind; if it's going to go back to the beginning of when the problems started, then i can't handle that. I feel bad saying this especially because of how much i love my friends and family, but if it's all going to happen again, then i'm not so sure that i want to be around to see it. It's one thing to act out the lies, but it's another to see it and realize how terrible it felt and then finally deal with it, just to do it all over again.

"Some people wear their smiles like a disguise, those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes, I know cause I'm like that a lot. You think everything's ok and it is, till its not" -Ani DiFranco

Watch me smile. I'll smile for you. I'll always smile for you....even if my tears are hiding it.

Sincerely,

The one that tried not to change.....but failed once again. I'm only good at failing.

"Do you realize That everyone you know someday will die? And instead of saying all of your good-byes Let them know you realize that life goes fast It's hard to make the good things last You realize the sun doesn't go down It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round"

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